Alone in a Crowded Room
by Wandering Poet
Summary: A little peek into Helga's life growing up. I rated it PG-13 just to be safe.


Disclaimer: I do not own "Hey Arnold!" or any of the characters. I am making not one red cent off of this.  
  
Rating: PG-13 just to be safe. Violence, but nothing too graphic. Minor language. Romantic, mushy stuff.  
  
Warnings: Dark in places, but nothing too bad. Sappy at the end. Schedule your dental appointments now ::hehe::  
  
Pairings: It could be construed as Arnold/Helga ::hint hint:: ^.^;  
  
Song: "Hatfield 1980" by Everything But The Girl.  
  
Note: These are all flashbacks of Helga's life. The little splices between all the periods, those are Helga in the present as she is remembering and interacting with...someone ::snickers::  
  
By the way, if you're wondering, no, Arnold is not wearing his hat as an adult in my fic. He had to lose it for this ::sigh::  
  
_________________________  
  
"Alone in a Crowded Room."  
  
By: Wandering Poet  
  
________________________________  
  
"See you tomorrow Helga." The short, sable haired Asian girl called over her shoulder. Her best friend of eleven years didn't miss the tinge of paranoia playing along the all too familiar soft soprano. No more than she did the film of musky fog radiating off the slick, sweltering city pavement.  
  
Burning yet freezing. Frozen yet aflame.  
  
It didn't make much sense. Nothing ever did.  
  
"Likewise."  
  
Requited.  
  
Blue oceans trailed the river of ebony, watching helplessly as it passed under streetlight after streetlight before consumed by the wall of fog. Alone.  
  
Alone...  
  
.........  
  
She inhaled sharply. So close...  
  
Maybe it hadn't been as long ago as she liked to imagine. Like yesterday.  
  
She had felt so broken when Phoebe moved away. It felt like a thousand miles even though it wasn't more than a couple. No more walks home from school together anymore. Phoebe lived at the other end of town now. No more security in each other's company from the cold streets; the people gathered at corners buying today's hit; rough voices like metal gates meshing and clashing together.  
  
The old school building looked so much smaller at twenty than it did at ten.  
  
Out the corner of her eye, she thought she saw two familiar figures.  
  
"Must have been my imagination."  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
.........  
  
___________________  
  
"Suburbia, 1 a.m.  
  
You're walking home again  
  
Shopping bags and broken glass  
  
I hate going through the underpass"  
  
________________________________  
  
Hugging herself protectively, Helga shivered uncontrollably. The oversized Steelers sweatshirt she wore provided little comfort against the biting early morning autumn winds. No coat again this year. Maybe the next. Maybe the next...  
  
A sharp crash off to her right somewhere in the shadows drew full attention. She steeled and held her breath. Only a stray dog scavenging through a garbage can. Stealing what little scraps he could to get by on. Just like her. A shaky sigh of relief. A smile as she seen the dog high tail it with a mostly intact hamburger.  
  
A cringe as the sound of broken glass echoed off the tall brick walls from somewhere in the pitch black behind her.  
  
Probably just a drunk.  
  
Lifting the grocery bags once again into numb hands, she sighed heavily. Only six more blocks.  
  
...........  
  
The cluttered, filthy alleyway was still as menacing as it had been at twelve. Not a place for children.  
  
She said a prayer...  
  
..for any other child who might find themselves in her shoes.  
  
A mother who did nothing but lose herself in a bottle.  
  
A father who didn't even know her name.  
  
Stealing money out of a purse or a back pocket just to have lunch the next day.  
  
Sneaking out at one a.m.  
  
So no one else would wonder.  
  
So no one else would question.  
  
............  
  
____________________  
  
"I wish there was some other way 'round  
  
But you got beaten up by the playground,  
  
And it's no use."  
  
______________________________  
  
"Helga, are you okay?" Arnold. He was asking again. He always did. It briefly held her to wonder why, but shattered against the wall of her skull as anger drowned it out.  
  
Concern flashed back at her as she tried, and failed, to avoid his inquiring emerald gaze.  
  
Damn.  
  
She opened her mouth to issue an insult as she always did. It never came.  
  
It had been a few months now. She was just too tired. She couldn't keep up anymore. She wasn't the Helga she used to be. Not that anyone had noticed, she was sure. No one noticed Helga G. Pataki.  
  
Alone in a crowded room. Something like that.  
  
With an exhausted sigh and apathetic roll of her eyes, she turned to sulk away. Again.  
  
Not this time.  
  
________________  
  
"You'll have to go through..  
  
Suburban shopping centre,  
  
Pedestrian walkways-  
  
I think they were meant to make things better.."  
  
_________________________  
  
"Helga."  
  
His voice was determined, and..something else unrecognizable. What was that?  
  
She was cornered. She knew it. When Arnold was determined, there was no shaking him.  
  
_____________  
  
"It's just emptier,  
  
Scary at nighttime.  
  
Hatfield at that time."  
  
__________________________  
  
She didn't know how she wound up in his arms. Only glad that she did.  
  
..........  
  
Inhaling again, she savored the salty-sweet taste of evening as it fell upon her tongue. Something about that memory made everything softer; a little less sharp at the edges.  
  
Her hand sought his in reflex as they walked in silence. She smiled as he squeezed back lovingly.  
  
He knew what she was thinking about. She always sought him out like this when that thought recalled itself to her memory-bank.  
  
..........  
  
______________  
  
"This is the place I live,  
  
Where is everyone?  
  
Are we the only ones?  
  
________________________  
  
This is the place I live,  
  
And so does everyone.  
  
So does everyone."  
  
______________________  
  
..........  
  
"Was it always like this?" She questioned.  
  
She sounded so frail. More frail than he ever thought possible for such a tough girl. Well, not so much anymore. Helga had changed. In more ways than one. Oh, she was still someone to be reckoned with. She'd always be someone you didn't want to push your luck with.  
  
But...  
  
As his eyes drank in the tall blonde goddess, it was hard to believe they were one in the same.  
  
The blonde hair that had been for years restricted to pigtails and her trademark pink bow now flowed to her waist in gentle vanilla waves. The once stormy Prussian seas were now much tamer, reflecting placid, cloudless skies. The girl who hated make-up and dresses was now standing in both.  
  
Helga had grown up into a most beautiful woman.  
  
"Not always." He said, wrapping a protective arm around her slender waist and pulling her close.  
  
...........  
  
______________  
  
"Hatfield, 1980..  
  
I'm seeing my first knife,  
  
My first ambulance ride."  
  
________________________  
  
Crimson droplets and scarlet rivulets painted a sickening scene.  
  
So much of it. Too much of it. What had happened? She wondered this, not paying much mind to the dizziness that swept and swirled, tainting her vision black at the creases.  
  
Her mind refused to focus. A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. Wrong way on a one way track.  
  
Voices. She knew that wasn't right, but oddly she couldn't have cared less.  
  
Her head felt heavy. Much too heavy. Like cement. So heavy.  
  
Who were those people?..she wondered in passing.  
  
Blood. Covering her hands. Her blood?  
  
"Arnold?"  
  
She could do little more than mouth his name. For whatever reason, her vocal chords weren't responding. Her throat was dry as a desert. Water would've been nice. Ice water.  
  
Arnold.  
  
It dawned on her to wonder why he was there..but..did it matter...  
  
...maybe not after all.  
  
"What's happening?"  
  
Again her lips moved, but no sound met her ears. He seemed to understand perfectly though as he brushed a tender hand through her bangs. He said something..  
  
..but she wasn't able to untangle it from all the other voices and foreign tones.  
  
_____________  
  
"I hold your hand the whole way,  
  
Crying..."  
  
_________________________  
  
"Helga, you're gonna be okay. Keep your eyes open. Look at me, Helga."  
  
His voice was so strained and riddled with choked up emotion. Why? Over her? Why?  
  
Warmth. So warm. Where was that coming from?  
  
"Don't leave me, Helga. I need you here. Please."  
  
He was holding her hand. Why?  
  
Warmth. Wet.  
  
Crying.  
  
Her tears?  
  
Not just her tears.  
  
His tears.  
  
He was..  
  
...crying...  
  
..........  
  
Tears spilled from her closed eyes, tracing disorganized patterns down her pale cheeks. Absent-mindedly, she caressed her stomach, recalling all too well the pain and fear of that night.  
  
Miriam had been passed out on the sofa that night. The usual drunken coma. Her father..  
  
...she never knew where he was half the time. Never had. Didn't care to.  
  
Not a drop of food in the house. Nothing new there.  
  
So..she'd taken a few bucks and gone out. Nothing new there either. She was on her way to the convenience store. They should still have a hotdog or something. Maybe some donuts left over from that morning. They'd be stale, sure, but it was food. That's all that mattered when you were half starved.  
  
She never made it.  
  
The next thing she knew, she was surrounded by paramedics and...  
  
...Arnold.  
  
After passing out and sleeping half the next day, it all came flooding back. The man, the knife, the pain. All for 5 dollars. She almost died for 5 dollars. She was only fifteen. She'd almost lost her life and she was only fifteen.  
  
Then...  
  
..something soft and warm. Her breath hitched in her now painfully constricted throat. Half afraid and half hoping, she timidly brought her vision down to her right hand where it lie ensconced protectively in two larger hands. He was still there? She was confused, but wrote it off. She didn't feel like thinking just yet.  
  
So...  
  
She made herself comfortable and watched her angel sleep. By the looks of it he'd been through the same Hell she had. His hair was a little mussed and dark circles were visible under his closed eyes.  
  
She tenderly straightened a few unruly straw locks around his cap and sighed. He was so beautiful.  
  
She watched him sleep for almost two hours before he began to stir.  
  
She pretended to still be asleep until he left the room to seek out a doctor.  
  
Warmth..  
  
Warm arms cradled her from behind, bringing her back to reality.  
  
Bringing one hand to her lips, she kissed the inside of her lover's wrist and leaned back into the strong chest. She'd forever adore these hands that had saved her life.  
  
..........  
  
________________  
  
"Get home the next day,  
  
Police have already been.  
  
You can imagine the scene..."  
  
__________________________  
  
She stood outside her house. She didn't want to go in. She didn't belong here. She never had.  
  
She'd never belonged anywhere.  
  
She never would.  
  
_______________  
  
"And if I'm goin' home,  
  
I better change my clothes,  
  
I better change my clothes."  
  
____________________________  
  
Bob and Miriam were gone when she moved out.  
  
"Just let me change." She murmured, uncertain at the moment if she said it or just thought it..  
  
...was it even she who spoke?..  
  
...she pondered as she climbed the stairs in slow motion. Her legs felt so heavy. Like lead. Like her head did that day last week..  
  
Bad thoughts. Couldn't think bad thoughts.  
  
Arnold wouldn't let her go back to Bob and Miriam. She'd never seen him angry...  
  
...but...  
  
....when he confronted Bob on the phone about not even coming to see his own daughter in the hospital where she'd almost died, there was no denying that kind of rage.  
  
She couldn't believe it. She knew he was over generous, but...  
  
..no...  
  
Just because he had stayed by her side in the hospital and gave her father a verbal leathering, it didn't mean he lo-cared for her. No matter that he didn't have to do any of that.  
  
No..  
  
...that was just Arnold. He always did more than he had to. He always went completely out of his way to help anyone. Not just her. Anyone.  
  
________________  
  
"And if I'm goin' home,  
  
I better change my clothes,  
  
I better change my clothes."  
  
_________________________  
  
"Why?"  
  
Her voice was barely audible. Hardly a whisper.  
  
She stood, her few belongings cradled in her arms. A couple of shirts, a pair of jeans, and a very familiar locket she'd stopped wearing, but couldn't bear to part with. She gave it up a year ago..  
  
Sort of.  
  
When she had finally decided that she didn't have a chance in Hell of winning her love's affections. She'd always love him..  
  
..but..  
  
...it was time to let go. Or, so she told herself.  
  
"Because."  
  
He was nervous. She could tell. He wiped his hands on his pants and half- shrugged. He evaded her gaze, finding the red wine stains on the living room carpet apparently very interesting by the way his eyes bore holes through it. He always did that when he was nervous.  
  
She set her small bundle down, crossing her arms in a gesture that said, "I've all the time in the world and I'm not moving until you tell me."  
  
"Because why?"  
  
She wanted..needed...to know. If she were dreaming, then he was going to have to wake her up right here and now. No more guesswork.  
  
He crossed the room. Slowly. As if carefully calculating every step. As if he'd rehearsed this a million times...but still wasn't quite sure of himself.  
  
And if she had only known...he wasn't. He was caving on the inside.  
  
He half smiled. The way he always did when he knew something that no one else did.  
  
She felt her heart still. Her eyes traced that smile...those lips...she couldn't tear her gaze away..  
  
...whatever was to be hinged on what fell from those lips...  
  
"Because of this."  
  
Her eyes fluttered shut as she felt his arms encircle her waist, pulling her softly to him in a gentle embrace.  
  
She'd dreamt of this all of her life, and now that it was happening, she found all of her scripted movements shattering into tiny fragments at her feet. Nothing could have ever prepared her for the whirlpool of fuzzy emotions that encased her like a cozy afghan blanket.  
  
As his fingertips traced her spine...  
  
He couldn't help noticing what a perfect fit they made.  
  
"I've wanted to do this for a long time." He whispered giving her chills.  
  
The feel of his eyelashes fluttering against the sensitive skin of her neck..  
  
She couldn't help but note that his skin was much softer than she remembered.  
  
"Please don't ever let me go."  
  
..........  
  
And he never had...  
  
How long they stood like that, in her dimly lit living room, she still wasn't sure. Time went differently in moments like those..  
  
"Did you know?" He whispered, tickling the sensitive skin of her ear with petal soft lips as he rested his chin on her shoulder. Strong hands founds her waist, traveling the length of her sides in calming strokes.  
  
"I hoped..that I knew." She sighed, trying to choose her words truthfully as her hands found his. Sometimes, she still needed to touch him, needed his touch...to ground herself; remind her this really was not a hallucination. But it was so hard to believe. Maybe always would be. He loved her. He did.  
  
"I did. I do. I always will." He said, trailing butterfly kissing down the side of her neck and over her cheek.  
  
She was never good with expressing her more emotional side in words. Except in poetry. But, she didn't write much anymore.  
  
A kiss worked just as well.  
  
...........  
  
________________  
  
"This is the place I live,  
  
Where is everyone?  
  
Are we the only ones?  
  
_______________  
  
This is the place I live,  
  
And so does everyone.  
  
So does everyone."  
  
___________________  
  
As she stood looking at the house she grew up in, she couldn't help but feel she was looking back for everyone..  
  
Everyone who had escaped a life they thought they'd never..  
  
_______________  
  
"When I'm looking back,  
  
I look for everyone."  
  
__________________  
  
All the times she'd fallen....  
  
_______________  
  
"And when I fall,  
  
I fall for anyone."  
  
______________________  
  
"You okay?" He asked, bringing a comforting hand to rest on her shoulder as he sheltered her from the rainfall with his umbrella. Just like when they were kids and had first met, she thought smiling. Evidently he thought so too, as he leaned down and pecked her on the cheek, a sentimental look gracing his features.  
  
She still blushed when he did that.  
  
"Yeah, Arnold. I'll be okay." Helga said, trying to smile behind her tears.  
  
"I guess that...even though I was so miserable here...." She continued, a long pause settling in as she tried to find her footing, "I had some good things, too. Phoebe...and you..." she said taking hold of his hand and kissing the knuckles.  
  
"You're mixed up on whether to feel relieved or depressed about leaving it behind. And you're feeling guilty because you can't decide." Arnold said, more of a statement than a question as he smoothed his thumb over the softness of her skin.  
  
"We're out of school, football head. Can't you give the psychology stuff a rest just once?" Helga said, trying to be playful behind the building sorrow. She had a habit of falling back into her aggressive ways when she was confused or trying to hide what she perceived as weakness. She still tried so hard..  
  
It didn't work very well this time.  
  
He opened his arms and drew her in almost before she'd finished her sentence.  
  
His arms...No matter if the world were falling apart at the seams, no matter if she were falling apart at the seams, when she was in his arms, everything was right with life. In his arms, nothing was too outrageous; nothing was out of reach. In his arms, anything was possible. His arms made everything possible.  
  
"It's okay." He said, rubbing her back in soothing circles. "You went through a lot Helga. If I had known any of this then..." He pulled back, lifting her chin to meet his eyes. "Helga I swear, I could strangle your parents. And....I could strangle myself for not seeing any of this sooner." He said, kissing the tip of her nose.  
  
She didn't like the pain she seen in his eyes.  
  
Pushing her way into her comfort zone again, she held onto him as if he were the only thing keeping her from falling off the Earth. And in all honesty, he was. He had kept her afloat through so much....  
  
...his very existence...  
  
...without him, she could never see herself surviving any of it.  
  
"Damn you, don't you dare blame yourself for any of this." She sobbed, feeling his grip tighten around her. "You did more than you should have. Don't you dare Arnold, don't you dare."  
  
"It hurts. Knowing what I know now, and knowing that I could have done something." He began, delicately stroking her silken platinum locks.  
  
"No. Arnold, you couldn't have done anything. We were kids. You've always pushed yourself too hard, you know that?" She emphasized, poking him firmly in the chest and holding his gaze. "You do more than anyone could imagine as it is. No one could achieve the things you have nor the way you have. And that's because you're so determined. But Arnold, baby...you need to recognize the times when you're innocent. When nothing could've changed what was. We were kids. We weren't knowledgeable enough to notice things like we do as adults. I need you to understand that and stop blaming yourself. For me, okay?" She said, cupping his face in her hands and caressing the soft skin beneath with gentle thumbs.  
  
He nodded slowly, bringing a hand up to cradle one of hers. Sometimes, Helga really amazed him. She was more perceptive and wise than anyone had ever given her credit for.  
  
"You're right. But...it'll always hurt." He said bringing the fragile hand to his lips, kissing her fingertips. The light in his jade orbs was still a little unsteady. Healing and coming to terms would take some time.  
  
"Some things always will. But it shouldn't hurt because you feel you were at fault. You weren't." She said moving to hold him again.  
  
The shrill honking in the background captured their attention, bringing them out of their invisible sanctuary.  
  
Looking over Arnold's shoulder, both shared a bittersweet laugh. A laugh of relief, and something akin to regret. They knew they'd have to leave. Knew it from the start. But...this trip hadn't been as easy as they thought it would be.  
  
"I guess this is goodbye." Helga said, sighing sadly as Arnold wiped the remaining tears from her eyes.  
  
"For now." He said reassuring her, giving her one of his trademark "cheer- you-up" smiles.  
  
Nodding, she nuzzled against his neck for just a little bit longer, purring contentedly as his arms embraced her again. The scent of his cologne tickled her nose, soothing her trembling frame. She'd bought it for him last month. For his birthday.  
  
Make the moment last.  
  
Don't let it go just yet.  
  
Eventually disentangling herself from his arms, she looked back into the past one final time.  
  
"Okay, I'm ready."  
  
Taking her hand, Arnold led her to the car, making sure not a drop of rain reached her. Climbing in after and closing the umbrella, he brought her back into his arms, stroking her hair again as she rested her head upon his shoulder. Placing a kiss atop her head and inhaling deeply the fragrance of her shampoo, he smiled into the pale threads.  
  
A loud rumble of thunder rolled off the horizon.  
  
He was lucky to have this woman for his wife. Damn lucky.  
  
They watched as the houses faded, becoming little more than postcard memories as the little yellow cab distanced itself from the coming storm.  
  
_____________________  
  
"When I'm looking back,  
  
I look for everyone.  
  
And when I fall down,  
  
I fall for anyone."  
  
___________________________  
  
Now try and tell me that wasn't cute. Go on, just try it ::haha:: It was sappy, I know. But I love sappy fics. Especially sappy Helga/Arnold fics. Come on, the poor girl deserves some happiness in her life! Actually, this turned out a lot sappier than I had originally planned. But, I hope it wasn't too bad. I like how it turned out ::dances around merrily:: I apologize if anything in there sounds OOC. Personally, I don't think so, but any of you reading this might. If so, you've my sincerest regrets. Ah.but anyway, seriously, I'd appreciate it if you left me a review. I might write more if you do ::wink:: I was thinking actually of writing fics to kind of expand on the short flashbacks Helga was having. I so adore this album. I could do an entire series just with these songs. Good idea? Let me know your opinion.I'm thinking about it ^.^ 


End file.
